Eastgate Mall: Peace In The Middle East

The middle east of the greater Cincinnati Metro area of course…

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“I am Clermont county confederate through and through, and you can take that to your meemaw’s grave.”-Eastgate Mall

Intro:

The Plandemic, NRA stickers, All Lives Matter propaganda, and even recently popularized Blue Lives Matter merchandise can all be found in one convenient destination, right off of I-275! 20200902_164047See! I don’t even make these things up, it’s actually that great!

Tour:

Eastgate Mall offers a wide variety of lower class white people, and stores ranging from Spencers 20200902_161120to a closed down Sears, turned into a Spirit Halloween!20200902_155958They really went all out on hiding the fact that this was a Sears too!20200902_162229 My city ass would have no idea that it wasn’t always a Spirit Halloween. In all seriousness though, I love the look of this Sears from the outside, just perfect ’70s-’80s contemporary. On a lighter note, if you’re taking the little ones out for a ride on the carousel you can’t do that because the carousel has been removed, most likely due to the left wing’s exploitation of a fake virus. Or just that the mall is being foreclosed on, probably one of the two.20200902_163957In my understanding the space is now used for Saturday night Square dancing. Headed out shopping and your pockets are slim? I’d say you’re mallin’ on a budget! Ha, yeah I’m a dad! Anyway, look no further than Dillards clearance!20200902_161250Not quite sure why the only anchor left accessible from the inside of the mall is JC Penney, but oh whatever, I guess I’ll just walk around outside.20200902_154801This anchor store has been strictly clearance items for the past few years now, and I don’t see a future with it around much longer. Same goes for the mall… The floors were filthy, people were ravaging the racks for clothes, and it was just all around an uncomfortable experience. It didn’t help that half the people in Clermont don’t know how to wear masks properly. Taking a step back, the walk on your way to Dillard’s, is far and away the deadest part of the mall. The middle of the mall by Kohls and JC Penney is really doing quite well, but almost the entire corridor en-route to the closed Dillard’s entrance is empty, aside from the aforementioned Spencers, a mini golf facility, and a prom dress store.20200902_161415Good view of the early aughts river-esque floor and ceiling accompanied by some forest looking carpet. I wish I were able to show you some pictures of what this place looked like when it opened in 1980, but I can’t seem to find any pictures online. At the time it was much more modern/contemporary, less whimsical, and it wasn’t so much of a budget mall. Anyway, here’s a little pic drop of this corridor. 20200902_161059

20200902_161223I used to get shoes there sometimes when I was a kid.20200902_162100I don’t even know what this place was but YES. Love me some glass block. Want some icing on that cake? Mr. Track Light has entered the chat.20200902_161711Now this deserves a yes yes yes actually. Alright Michael, calm down. You’re getting too hyped about some design features. Let’s head back to the middle of the mall. The centre of the mall is pretty nice, and it has a large seating area but it is limited right now due to COVID.20200902_161930From the direction you’re staring, you can obviously go straight towards the foodcourt.20200902_162434There used to be the cutest coffee shop on your right, right next to the only Chik-Fil-A I remember in Cincinnati until about 10 years ago. Then it blew up around here because people love their “hate chicken.” Continue past the jewelers and you arrive at the food court,20200902_162531and get some fire Japanese food, pictured below.20200902_163048

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Not only does this foodcourt have food, but also the classic dying mall Amazing Space Arcade!

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Not hungry or interested in filthy arcade games? Turn yourself around and head down the mini Kohl’s corridor.

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Not much but an RLA Video Games store, a massage palace with possible happy endings, and a steroids store to bulk up so you’re not embarrassed of your body before you get rubbed down.

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I wish they’d told me that they were Kohlsed from the inside of the mall! I really can’t believe that Kohl’s management missed that pun opportunity. Let’s take a look at the exterior since it’s where I had to enter. It’s really nothing special, and my least favorite looking anchor from the outside. (Kohl’s normally are)

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Head back inside and to your left, you’ll go down the corridor towards JC Penney and if you take another left you’ll arrive at Dillard’s, but we’ve already been there. Let’s check out the mall towards JC, which is the most thriving portion of the mall.

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Looks pretty nice, right? It’s like you’re in a different mall entirely right here. Now let’s take a look at that gorgeous mirrored JC.

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Ugh, this is my favorite picture I took the whole day, the plants, the mirror, peak mall right here. Sneak outside sha’ll we?

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Just great, and check out these lights and the entrance up close.

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I want lights like that on my future house. Honestly, imagine living in a former department store, that would be pretty sick.

Anyway guys, that’s the tour of our beloved Eastgate Mall. I’ve got some more pictures of random things and exterior pics which I’m going to drop below and chat about.

Encore:

Why does this Stop sign scream at you to stop?

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Look at how bold that font is compared to a normal stop sign.

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Like Eastgate, you have the biggest parking lot of any mall your size in Cincinnati, and it’s not like there’s many cars/humans to avoid.

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I’m gonna stick with my rolling stop if you raise your voice at me like that. Hell, I’m gonna take my Delorean up to 88 in this parking lot and watch the fat mall cops screech like the pigs they are.

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Might be tough to get her up to 88 and not pop a tire with the shape this parking lot is in though.

Conclusion:

While Eastgate is trashy and easy to make an incredibly tongue in cheek article about, I do find it to be a mall with hope. Despite its recent foreclosure, I believe that Eastgate is not meeting its end. Someone else is going to buy this mall because it’s not completely dead and decrepit, it’s still a decent shopping center for a lot of people, and has potential to get better. I think that a renovation to get this mall out of its early aughts funk would be a good start, along with some maintenance to that enormous parking lot. Sprucing it up with some greenery, new polite stop signs, just a few ideas. Normally you know I don’t like renovations that take away from a buildings’ original architectural design, but that was all removed anyway in the ’04 renovation. Eastgate, Kenwood (obviously in no trouble to speak of) and Tri-County are far and away the 3 malls that I frequented the most as a child, and with Tri-County being almost totally empty, it makes me imagine a better future for Eastgate. Though it’s hard to know with the pandemic, and their recent foreclosure, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it (thanks Colin Quinn). Other things Eastgate has going for it is that it’s right off the I-275 loop, and it is the only mall on the east side of Cincinnati. That being said, if this mall were to offer stores or experiences that nothing else in the eastern side of town could offer, this place could in my eyes become great once more.

Mall Maniac Review:

From a shoppers POV: 5/10, just so incredibly “ehh”

Architecturally: 4/10, The anchors, JC, Dillards, and Sears are pretty aesthetically pleasing from the exterior but the rest of the mall from outside and in is not so much

People watching: 10/10, We love to hate Clermont

What’d you think Rosie?

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“I’m too old for this shit.”-Rosie

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