SPAM Fried Rice

I know you’re already enticed just by the name but, before I get started here, let me tell you a few things. Here’s just a minor disclaimer: you do not always have to follow a recipe to a T. In fact, many of the best chefs don’t measure things out precisely. Watch a cooking show: they’ll say, “a pinch of salt”, or, “that’s about a half cup of white wine”. So why does this matter? Because at the end of the day, you aren’t making this for customers at a restaurant, or for Gordon fuckin Ramsay to judge; this is for you and maybe a significant other. So trust me, season things as liberally as you’d like and make as much food as you would like; just don’t go completely hog wild.

What I used:

2 cups white rice (Preferably yesterday’s rice. Mine wasn’t).

1 large yellow onion, diced

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 can dark red kidney beans (black would also work)

1 can Spam (I used lite but any kind can work)

3 large eggs

Rice vinegar

Worcestershire, soy, or both

1 tablespoon of honey

Solid Tablespoon of butter, trust me

Onto the herbs and spices


Look, for some reason people have this negative view of MSG as if it’s “soooo artificial, and it’s horrible for you, and it’ll kill your brain cells!” None of that is true. It’s simply a food additive that amps up umami flavor. Ask almost any chef, it makes everything taste better. Use a little half teaspoon.

Be sure to still use a little regular salt, to taste

Dash of black pepper

Dash of cayenne and a little smoked paprika

Alright, alright, alright, so how is it done?

First, make sure everything is out and ready to go on the counter-top. Next, chop your onion and garlic, and slice that Spam. Proceed to toss the Spam onto a pan with a little bit of neutral oil, make sure it’s on medium-high heat, and allow the sides to get crispy. Next, add in the onion and get that a little translucent. After that, toss in that garlic and, once it’s fragrant, mix it all together. Begin adding the liquid ingredients and seasonings to the meat and veggies. Next, toss in the beans, make sure they’re drained, mix that all in and clear half your pan. Set in the butter and 3 eggs, mix them around, and just before they’re solid, introduce them to the mixture. Dump in your rice, mix it all around, add a little fresh cilantro and you are goating on fire.


“Spank me, SPAM!” -Me, right before I destroyed this

Now remember, make it how you please but this way works well for me and should give you 2-3 servings of fried rice.

Ease: Pretty easy

Cost: Cheap AF. It’s rice, beans, eggs, and Spam

Taste: Hella 🔥, 8.5-10

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