Food Review: Bub’s Pizza Bar (Cincinnati)

Bub’s Pizza is a Drunk’s Best Friend

By: Sheriff of Rarden

It’s 2:00 in the morning. It’s a Saturday. You just came out of a bar in Mt. Lookout. You’re completely hammered and your judgement is totally impaired. You feel your stomach growl just the slightest amount and all of a sudden you’re craving something greasy and extremely high in calories. Your dad bod needs those calories to continue expanding. Fortunately, provided you don’t stumble headfirst into traffic, there’s a perfect place you can walk to in order to satiate your hunger: Bub’s Pizza Bar.

Bub’s Pizza can be classified as either a restaurant or a drunk tank. It’s basically the best of both. The last time I was there I had the pleasant surprise of seeing a completely shit-housed girl sit down at a table and then immediately vomit up a spectacular combination of liquor and stomach acid. It was a beautiful sight to behold and our very own MC Screwdriver was left to clean up the mess.

Anyways, on to the food.

Looks mediocre upon first glance but just wait until you actually try a bite.

Food: Bub’s is greasy. Like really, really greasy. Their pizza is basically a soup. Sometimes it’s best to dab it with a napkin before eating. It’s also best to ask for some parmesan/red pepper and, if you’re drunk enough, a side of ranch.

The slices are huge, being about the size of authentic New York pizza rather than the size of something like Domino’s or Little Caesars pizza. This is great because they sell their pizza by the slice in case you’re not too hungry. I’ve never once had a slice that tasted like it had been sitting there under a heat lamp for too long: it’s always fresh.

Regarding the types of pizzas you can get, it’s a pretty simple section. They focus primarily on the basics. You can get the classic cheese or pepperoni or, if you’re feeling like having a heart attack, a chicken bacon ranch pizza.

What’s even better than marinara on a pizza? Ranch.

Given that I know an employee, I get to indulge in some specialty pizzas not available to the public. Usually he makes the pizza at work, puts it in his fridge, I come over, we both get hammered and then we eat the pizza while we’re both drunk. The past time I did this I blacked out so I couldn’t even tell you if the pizza was any good. Given the quality of their basic pizza, I’m sure it was.

Behold: spicy chicken pizza with ranch and pickles. Absolutely marvelous.

Speaking of blacking out, the place actually has an extensive array of alcohol available. While I don’t believe they have any wine, they do have plenty of craft beers on tap and a large selection of liquors. I’d recommend copping at least a buzz before eating their pizza for a truly authentic Bub’s experience. Just don’t throw up on the floor. Please.

Cost: Pizza by the slice is quite cheap and will definitely fill you up in just one or two slices. Full pizzas, however, are actually a bit pricey, especially when compared to chain pizza restaurants. You’re definitely paying for the higher quality, though, so their prices are perfectly reasonable in my opinion. The alcohol isn’t all too pricey either, rivaling the bars that are located all around Bub’s.

Atmosphere: The place has a nice, cozy vibe. The lights are dim and the whole establishment is relatively small. There isn’t too much in the way of style. The place is about as basic as a restaurant can look. By choosing this approach, however, it prevents the pitfall of appearing gimmicky or tacky like so many other modern establishments look. There’s an outdoor patio where you can either watch the employees bake pizzas or look across the street and watch people stumble from bar to bar. I’d recommend sitting outside only if you’re in the mood for people watching.

Service: The service has always been great. The employees are excellent at dealing with drunks. I’ve been pretty hammered and just chatted with some of them without feeling even a tinge of judgement. The pizzas are baked quickly and there’s really no bad aspects of their service. If you order delivery, however, it gets brought to you by Uber Eats. Uber Eats isn’t exactly the most reliable of delivery sources so I’d recommend just driving to Bub’s yourself.

In conclusion, Bub’s is the best drunk food you can get in Mt. Lookout hands down. It’s also some of the better pizza I’ve had in Cincinnati and far exceeds any chain pizza.

Food: 9

Cost: 9

Atmosphere: 8

Service: 10

Overall: GOAT FIRE FLAME

“Ranch is loud.” – MC Screwdriver

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